Advice (samples)

Question:

One of the things that my partner would like is for me to be more dominant... I have always been the submissive.
 
...I completely understand his need to have me be a dominant,  at least some of the time.  So I need to become a switch for my lover -do you have any advice, pointers and mental perspectives that I could use to get into the mind space that he needs?
 
Answer:

So long as your partner realizes that this is strictly role playing - meaning you will not actually BE dominant, you will just be playing the part to satisfy his needs - then you can make this work. I state this first because I have seen people trying to be something they are not strictly to satisfy their partner - it was a noble gesture but alas it eventually turned into resentment. The resentment stemmed from feeling like they had to be something they aren't in order to be desired by their partner. Needless to say, things never got better for these couples and it eventually created too much hurt feelings for them to make the relationship last.

I want you to understand this potential risk in role playing against your own natural tendencies. I also know many happy switch couples that do just fine, but all of them share both dominant and submissive traits so it never becomes a chore, it is something they both love doing (both giving and receiving).

With that warning out of the way... the best place to start is by taking pre-conceived ideas of what you are suppose to be as the Domme and tossing it out the window. You are going to still be you - meaning since you are naturally submissive you are going to serve (submit) to your partner needs by catering to his fantasy.  

I highly recommend starting with a blindfold or hood. Without his eyes watching and judging you it will be much easier for you to not worry as much about technique and instead just have fun. Don't bother with verbal domination - it will end up backfiring on you... instead just whisper "do you consent?" and as soon as he says "yes" gag him and blind fold him so he is no longer controlling the scene and he has NO idea what you are going to do... the mystery will create the dominance he craves without you having to be something you aren't.

Once you have him blindfolded and gagged - bondage is a great place to start - again he can't see what you are doing so anything you do so long as it "feels" restrictive will give the illusion of bondage. You are creating a fantasy and no one is watching you do it so you can do it anyway you like. 

A great bondage style for those new to doing bondage is to get a 20' or longer rope - tie one end of rope around his wrists (leaving a long tail) then push him across the bed (face down or up who cares) toss the tail of the rope under the bed to the other end and use it to tie his ankles together... now he cannot get up... his arms are over his head and the rope goes under the bed then comes up the opposite side to tie to his feet... he didn't see you struggling under the bed trying to get the rope where you wanted it... he didn't see the way his ankles were tied... all he knows is he is bound and his submission can start to take flight.  This simple bondage is probably the easiest to achieve with the least amount of actual skill... just be sure to check his hands and feet to make sure the circulation isn't being cut off.

An added bonus of this position is you can roll him over - face up OR face down... making him an easy target for you. Just for general knowledge any large muscle group is best for play (butt, thighs, shoulders, etc.) places to avoid - neck, lower back, head, face. Start simple to keep things easy for yourself.

Some of the best toys for ease of use is kitchen utensils - spatula, wooden spoon and metal forks... he doesn't need to know you brought these items into the bedroom and have them under the bed ready to use on him... you don't need skill to use them... a light tap on his butt with a wooden spoon will get a reaction... tap harder if he is moaning... stop if he screams... you can't miss the target because you aren't swinging anything you are only hitting his bottom with the rubber part of the spatula or the wooden spoon.

As for the forks - bring 2 cups of water into your room... one cup of hot water (not scalding) one cup of ice water... drop one fork into each cup till it gets cold or warm... then take the wet forks and run them lightly across his back, chest, balls, thighs, butt, nipples, etc... the cold is shocking, the heat is scary, he has no idea what pointy object you are using on him - it feels like a knife... but obviously it wont cut him. It’s just sensation play using temperatures and fork prongs. Also don’t tell him what you are using – tell him it’s a secret toy of yours! Keep the mystery alive and have fun with it.

These simple ideas should be able to help you get started. You don't have to be a Domme, you don't have to use traditional Dominant toys... you just have to be a top and that means Serving him by giving him the sensations he craves as a submissive.  If you always keep in mind you are serving him it will help you enjoy this within your submissive role. Like I said before you can't be something you aren't - but you can step outside you normal actions to provide for your partners needs within your own comfort zone.

 




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